"a kind of love that's willing to love things that are messy... and difficult..."

Something To Say

The One

Earlier this month, a friend of mine tweeted something along the lines of "Where are all the good men?" This is the heart's call of many single women, believing and non-believing. In response, I wrote, "Don't get discouraged. Just keep waiting. God only has to send 1."

I have reflected on that statement several times since then, especially when I hear stories of guys with no clear or pure intentions and their attempts at wooing my friends, "just to hang" or "get to know each other" or "just for dinner", etc. I gently remind my friends that every man in the world that approaches them can be the biggest jerk, emotionally immature, selfish, inconsiderate, conceited, rude or just have no idea what they're doing, until the one that isn't and does. The one that God created for them.

I am certainly not one to "pull em" and this is not common for me, but recently, I have experienced first-hand two of these attempts. Two men that I have known for at least 2 years have reached out to me to proclaim their "interest". Neither has stated clear intentions, but both have tried to fill my ears and heart with flattery and promises that their affection is true - though absent of true commitment.

As I reflected on these encounters, I was sure that these are not men I want to be with, because I am not looking simply to go on dates, flirt with someone, boost my or his ego, become someone's girlfriend or become emotionally attached just to sever those ties later. I want to be a wife. I want to be in a relationship with a man that has already decided to love me for the rest of his life. I want to be wooed by someone who desires to protect me (my heart, my spirit and my body) with covenant. I want to be loved by someone who is actively learning how to love through Jesus' constant example.

I reminded myself that even though these guys were inconsistent with their words, actions, and intentions (and therefore not to be taken seriously), refusing them would pay off with the one God has made for me. Then I started to feel the weight of that "hope" - the disgust with men with wavering wills and weak words, the bleak future filled with empty attempt after attempt, the courts in your mind that defend and oppose every rejected proposal, and the nights that fade away as your eyes close to the silhouette of unoccupied pillows.

See, what I have realized with my previous statement is that it provides a bit of hope that there is better coming. But what happens if that better starts to take too long? Will we waver in our hope, despise ourselves for letting so many opportunities pass us by, and settle for an imitation of love? Now I see the real hope is what we already possess. All of our hopes should ultimately lie in Christ, else we run the risk of them becoming idols, something we presume will satisfy us even apart from Christ.

God showed me that I must bask in what He has already given. When I look to Christ, I see a love that will not fail, that is sacrificial, that protects, that unreservedly pursues. Christ, through all of my refusals and attempts at leaving and "doing me", always comes after me, never lets our relationship go, because He chose me... for eternity. He approaches me with covenant. He knows exactly what He wants from me, and moreover, what He aims to give me, eternal life with Him. He comforts me. He puts my mind and heart at peace, because I never have to worry about Him abandoning me. He gives me every good thing that is good for me. He challenges me to grow and learn and trust. He builds my faith in His commitment and love everyday with words, actions, and consistency. He is faithful.

He is our hope. God created women with this longing to be pursued and romanced, so that we may respond. So often we seek men to initiate this interplay, but oh, if we would acknowledge Christ as the initiator and respond to Him.

Yes. God only has to send one. And indeed, He already has.

Set Me Free

Here I am with my heart wide open

I'm holding fast to the words that you've spoken

Teach me your ways Lord

You are my portion

You are my passion

Turn my heart away

From any selfish gain

Turn my eyes away

From every worthless thing

I set my heart on you

For only you can make this life brand new

I will run to you

Hide your words in me

Only you can set this prisoner free

Set me free

Lyrics by: Martha Munizzi, Michael Gungor

Productivity

This is an amazing time in my life.

God has completely freed me to know more of Him.

Not many are blessed with opportunities like this. I teach in an elementary school and am currently on my summer vacation. I decided not to even look for summer work, but rather to work on a few goals:

• Grow in intimacy with and satisfaction in God.
• Develop a healthier, more physically active lifestyle.
• Paint.
• Travel, whenever given the opportunity.

God has been so gracious in each of these areas. I'll start from the bottom and work my way up. I have spent substantial amounts of time at home with my family in Atlanta. I just returned from an encouraging trip to Indiana with my best friend and another godly young woman. I am also planning a trip to Philly with my accountability partner in my church.

I started my vacation by creating a painting for my father for Father's Day. There is much more I want to do with this goal, and by God's grace, I will get the chance. The Lord has been inspiring me and I have a subject I am already excited about. I also bought oil paints and want to experiment with a new medium.

The Lord led me to talk about my fitness goals with a friend of mine. She told me about her gym and took me for a Zumba class. I believe I was more excited for the opportunity for community and accountability through my relationship with her than the actual gym facilities and amenities. I joined and have since hired a personal trainer. I am excited to be intentional about serving God through my health and stewardship of this body.

Through my final and most crucial goal, God has been the most gracious. God has so clearly put people and resources in my life to draw me to himself, to let me taste of His goodness and desire more. In April, my sister reached out to me about starting weekly prayer. I realize that in my Christian family, we talk a lot about church, but rarely (if ever) directly about Jesus and our desperate need for him. I had not really ever expressed my spirituality to my family, for intimacy, correction, or even encouragement. So this experience and now regular practice with my sister has allowed me to experience true Christian community within my family. And I am so grateful to have a sister that is also my sister in Christ.

In the Spring, I applied to go on a mission trip during the summer, and a few months later, I found out I was not accepted based on past sin that I had confessed in the application. It was quite humbling. In the midst of my disappointment and self-righteous shock, I saw God trying to reach my prideful, self-reliant heart. One of the directors of the mission trip spoke with me and challenged me to confess and become accountable to someone in my church. Previously, although serving in and leading different ministries and participating in a weekly small group, I was managing a very private, isolated church life. This phone call and accompanying Bible study packet led me to confess my sins to a new friend in my church. We began to walk through the study together and now actively hold each other accountable to God's word. We have an incredibly challenging and supportive relationship, all really due to my rejection.

Lastly, God has provided so many banging resources for spiritual growth. At the beginning of the summer, I finished reading John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life. My small group is about missional living, and we have been engaging with Tim Keller's study in Gospel in Life:Grace Changes Everything. I spend time each week studying and preparing for our class. Another woman in my church suggested reading a book together on biblical womanhood titled God's Design for Women by Sharon James. We've started a book club to discuss the concepts brought up in the text. These, in addition to Gospel-centered teaching in my church, have been feeding me with so much knowledge of the truth of God. But these resources also convict me on such deep levels I am forced to develop practical applications in response to them, i.e. repentance, prayer, service, stillness, and deeper levels of engagement in community.

Check em out:

My ultimate desire for this summer was and is to allow myself to be satisfied by God alone. He satisfies. He never stops being satisfying. I just have to taste.

Through this time, I have felt so much contentment. By God's grace, I am experiencing a new kind of productivity, one absent of hectic schedules, large crowds, and exciting outings. I have found joy in the everyday mundane tasks. I cook with joy. I clean with joy. I read with joy. I exercise with joy. I engage deeply and sincerely with others... with joy.

Just can't describe how grateful I am that God gives us what we ask for according to His will.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.- Psalm 37:4

He is showing me how to delight in him and how delightful he is, and then, I ask and he gives me himself. No greater gift.

So no, I'm not bored. I'm not ready to go back to school yet (though I wouldn't mind). I am supremely satisfied in sitting at Jesus' feet for as along as he'll let me.