An Anniversary

12 years ago today
My mom went to be with the Lord.

I used to have a fear that I would forget her, forget memories. What she sounded like, smelled like.
Now, almost having lived the same amount of time without her as I did with her, I know I have forgotten much. Can't recall daily grind, yearly vacations, or birthday gifts. I'm not sure what her food tasted like or what perfume she wore.

But I do remember
playing in her hair - jheri curl juice and all!
cuddling with her in DEW meetings
talking about how she recently handled my sister's teenage rebellion
finding her sleeping sitting straight up with files all over her lap
(I can't help but smile and even laugh as I write these)
Easter cakes in the shape of bunnies outlined in skittles
that smile - I have it now!
the way she would greet me every morning "Wake up my little princess"
and the day she died. I remember that vividly.

I have gone through many times in my life wishing I had her.
I have mourned over the events I will in the future experience without her.
But she has left with me something greater than presence and even guidance for events.
I remember the way she fasted every week, the way she prayed at night, the way she served in and out of the church, the way she sang praises to God and worshipped, O, she worshipped and the way she read her Bible without fail.

My mother was not perfect. I remember that too.
But she was saved. And Christ made all the difference.

And now, there's me.
No mom. Not her presence or guidance in those life-changing moments.
But God's.
By His grace, I am saved.
And though I still miss her from time to time. And on rare occasions, I still cry.
Her witness in my 14 years with her taught me that my satisfaction can only be found in Christ. Through rejection, rebellion, and abandonment, she remained faithful to the Lover of her soul. Disciplined.
That is what I will remember. That is what I will keep. The practice of coming to God, staying close to God.

I'm so glad I look more and more like her everyday. I love when people say I remind them of her.
But mostly, I want to look more like Him everyday.
Luckily, as Paul said I can hear my mom saying as well, "Be imitators of me as I am of Christ."

Precious Blood

Oh! precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow; 
No other fount I know, 
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

What can wash away my sin? 
Nothing but the blood of Jesus; 
What can make me whole again? 
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

I took communion today. And it was amazing.

Not that I haven't taken it many times before. Other times, in fact, I have had grave sin to repent of or deep hurts to release. And, sadly, many more times I took it casually, not even thinking deeply on its meaning.

But today.
I was so excited to find we were going to take communion.
Having repented just that morning to a friend I had wronged, feeling satisfied in Christ and taking this moment very seriously,
I leapt from my seat and grabbed my cracker and juice with a huge smile on my face.

See, just two days ago was Valentine's Day. I've always loved Valentine's Day, even when I was single (like now). I think it's due to my father always giving me something special on the day. And being a teacher only makes it better - parties, cards, candy, cupcakes. It's usually a pretty nice day.

This year was different. Less love from people, yet I was very aware of God's great love for me. This love is incomprehensible. It pierces through my hateful stares, mocking words, and rebellious heart to save me from atop a cross. That broken body is my proof that my Creator, the only true God, the living God, the God of the Bible, loves me. He has and will go to the ends of the earth to love me, to save me. To bring and keep me close to Him.

That's a big deal.

His blood was spilled. It ran down his face, from his hands, his feet, his side. It poured out for me. Over me. To cover me with grace, with forgiveness. With redemption. This blood paid for me.

It's so easy to complain about whatever. It's so easy to wallow in unmet longings, to feel lesser or like we don't measure up... for whatever reason the enemy, the world and our unconformed minds dream up.

But this love. Oh boy! Love shown through a broken body and shed blood. It changes everything. And it has changed everything. Just to sit and think on this love, to linger long with Christ!

The words are true. Oh, precious is the flow. The most precious treasure I have.

My Hope

O my God, in you I trust...

Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame...

Lead me in your truth and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you I wait all the day long...

May integrity and uprightness preserve me,
for I wait for you.
Psalm 25:2, 3, 5, 21

Delight yourself in the Lord,
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

And he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."
Job 1:21

What are you waiting for in your life right now? What are you hoping for? What is your dream, that promise you are holding on to? That desire you feel will make life better? That thing you feel God is holding back for now, but will eventually bless you with?

In reading Job, I see God had given Job wealth, possessions, family, status. He is what we would all call blessed, favored. Then God allows it all to be taken away. Was Job no longer blessed? Was he no longer favored?

Job responds blessing the Lord. In chapter 2, he asks his wife, "Shall we receive good from God and not evil?" Throughout the book, Job petitions God to know why this is happening, but he does not sin. He does not curse God. He does not understand, but he is assured God is right and just.

Paul says in Philippians 4, "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

These men knew God as something we don't really. Our hope.

Job was not waiting until God restored him - gave him his cattle back, more children, his blameless reputation - to bless God.

Paul was not waiting to live in abundance or plenty to be content.

Having God was enough. More than enough. 
Enough blessing. Enough strength.

We are so quick to set a plan, grab hold to a desire we have and claim it as the thing we are waiting for. The thing we are so sure God means for us to have to enjoy an "abundant life". What we miss in all this waiting and this hoping for temporary things is the abundant life found in God. Right now.

When we accept Christ in our lives, we are graciously reconciled with God. We are adopted into the family of God. We receive a deposit of the Holy Spirit guaranteeing our eternal inheritance, namely God. Because the reality of living in a city of gold where Christ is our light and there is no sin is Not Yet, we wait with all creation for the day we will be redeemed. For eternity with Christ, we wait.
More than watchmen for the morning. 
More than watchmen for the morning. 

No dream, no hope, no promise is greater than God. We lean into Him. We hope only in eternity with Him. Everything else passes away.

God gave Abraham a promise that He would make him the father of many nations. And those nations would come through his son, Isaac. Plot twists of all plot twists - God asks Abraham to sacrifice his son. But the promise? Abraham had been waiting for this for so many years! He had sinned trying to make this promise speed up a bit. Yet God was faithful and gave him Isaac. But now give it back? Give it up? Kill the promise?

Why would God do this?
To show that the promise means nothing apart from God. We don't hope in things. Things that die. Things that can get stolen, rust, and be destroyed.
We hope in the one eternal Treasure. The true Promise.

Our relationship with God... God's presence buoys us up, not a hope in an earthly event or created thing.

God may give you a promise. God may bless you with something you never want to live without. But it can easily be taken away in this fallen world, and, at times, for our good. So what will you hope in?

The Perfect Planner

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to the nations.
Jeremiah 1:5

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:10

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
Psalm 139:16

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
Jeremiah 29:11-14

I read these and rest. I, a planner, completely type-A, task-oriented, rest.

Real rest is rare for someone like me. I have to-do lists, shopping lists, to-make lists... for school, for home, for the short-term, for the long-term.

I like plans, the sense of control and security that come with them. I like to think through the details and cover my bases. I love people this way, by orchestrating elaborate events or gifts. And I feel most loved when people take their time, energy and effort and invest them in a well-executed plan on my behalf.

I suppose that is why I love this aspect of God so much. Not just because I am clearly made in His image, but because it expresses His great care and concern for me.

God is the ultimate planner. He is orderly, logical, detailed, comprehensive. 
From the way He sprawled out the heavens, flung the stars, spoke creation, and gently formed man - to the way He set in motion His plan to redeem His dearest ones through the sacrifice of His Son, Himself.

Always thought-out. Never meaningless. 

That is also how He approaches us and involves us. God has plans to accomplish His Kingdom purposes, but He chooses to involve us in meaningful ways. That is why I can rest. God's planning tells me I am taken care of, tells me I am loved, tells me He will use me appropriately and will make sure every need is met in the process. I don't need a plan; I need God.

The closer I am to Him, the more I realize I don't need to grasp for control because He is My Sustainer, and His plans are perfect.

What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do.
Isaiah 46:11

The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.
Psalms 33:10-11

My Sustainer

Give us this day our daily bread.
Matthew 6:11

Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.
Matthew 4:4

O, God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you; 
your right hands upholds me.
Psalm 63:1-8

"Daily bread"
Bread.
Food.
The very thing that gives us energy and strength to move, to live.
Life.
Provision. In every circumstance. Commonplace activities. World-shattering trials.
All that we need.
Guidance.
Comfort.
Care.
Everything my soul thirsts for, my flesh faints for.
All that satisfies.

"Daily bread"
Daily.
Every morning. Every night.
When we need it. When we think we have it all together.
At the start of the difficult. At the end. And all during.
Step by step. Steps that compound to miles, covering days, weeks, years...
He gives what I need when I need it.

He tells me not to be anxious about anything. He tells me He will take care of all those things, because He knows I need them. But first, I must seek Him and His righteousness.

Ultimate satisfaction at every moment of my life. 
That is offered to me. I am told to pray this.
Jesus came that I may have an abundant life. Daily.

So what am I waiting for? What are you waiting for?
In Christ, there is no need for waiting or hoping for external (and temporary) desires and dreams. Just living. It is all abundant life with Christ.

Every day, God gives us exactly what we need. Not too much so that we wander from His hand. Not too little that we are blind and unprotected. He provides. He sustains, simply with His presence. I don't need a plan. I need God. Ultimate satisfaction can be ours when we delight ourselves in the Lord.

Trip says,
"I'm a hedonist. I seek my pleasure. Not in sex; He's much better. Not in wealth; He's my treasure. My king offers me satisfaction beyond measure."

Blinded by Dullness

In the midst of this Snowpocalypse, I decided I would try to make some snow cream. 

I took my pot outside to collect some snow and saw a few of my neighbors building a large snow man! About 2 hours later, I went back out to see about my pot and look what I found...

They did a pretty awesome job! 

I got a pot-full of snow and came back inside, only to find myself blinded by the dullness of my apartment. There seemed to be a haze, blurriness, truly just dullness. A dullness I hadn't noticed before. A dullness I could see through perfectly fine before. But now, rather than the room being clear, the dullness was.

But isn't that just how an experience with God is? When we are placed in His presence and become truly aware of His light and love? All that once was normal and commonplace in our lives is so clearly less-than. Rather than this earth and all we gather with our senses being true, God's Word and perspective is shown to be the Truth.

Sadly, like our physical eyes, our spiritual eyes also become re-accustomed to darkness. So we must remind ourselves with consistent encounters with God through His Word, prayer and the church of the Truth.

Love

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

1 John 4:8-10

Yes, he loved his people, all his holy ones were in his hand...

Deuteronomy 33:3

Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me, for the Bible tells me so.

In fact, the Bible tells me that God has loved me with an everlasting love, a sacrificial love, an intense and pursuing love, an unfailing love, an undeserved love, a saving love.

The Bible also tells me that God is love. It is His very nature. His essence. What makes him God. So absent of love, it must not be God. Conversely, if there is love, it has come directly from God.

What does that mean for us? How does this undeniable, intricately embedded attribute play out for you and me?

Well, it means that God can only act in love. He can only act in love toward us. So that car accident you were in? Love. That relationship that ended? Love. That job you lost? Love. That mom that died? Love. That persecution that has millions imprisoned and oppressed around the world? Love. 

Love is giving the best to the other, even and often at your own expense. Well what is best for us? God. For his words are our very life. In his presence is fullness of joy. We experience and come to know God more deeply through difficulty and distress. In sorrow, we find He is our comfort. In want, we find He is our provider. In war, we find He is our banner, shield and refuge.

I am coming to understand that everything God gives and allows is done because He loves us. Not He loves us in spite of that. Or He loves us even though this. No. He did it because He loves us.

So it is my job, and proper response, to look at my circumstances through that lens. How is God showing His love here? How can this situation bring me closer to Him? How does my weakness here cause me to pursue the Source of all strength?

No. Everything is not good. But God does work all things for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purpose.

How different would life be if we trusted that God really loved us?

I'm not exactly sure, but I'm aiming to find out.

God Is... Series

I have been holding out on writing this post and labeling it "a series". It seems so committed! I wasn't sure if I would be consistent enough to get people's (i.e. my 1 follower) hopes up on a so-called series and then not deliver more than 2 posts. But since I have made it to 3(!), I will go ahead and commit myself.

I am currently going through the Experiencing God study by Blackaby, Blackaby and King with a couple of friends. This past week, I read a lesson on worshiping God, complete with a gimungous list of "Names, Titles and Descriptions" of God. I only made it through the names of the Father that day. But I was impressed with the desire to share what God was showing me about Himself through these names with you. I want to reflect on and write about 1 just about every day. No legalism though.

I am tagging them all God Is for easy access. It is funny that I actually gave a talk to the women at my church at a prayer event in January about praying the names of God. These posts won't be as teacher-y, but just reflection-y, and maybe a little devotion-y.

I hope it blesses you, even more than it has been blessing me this week. Pray my consistency in the Lord. :)

He who reveals His thoughts to man

For behold He who forms the mountains and creates the wind,
and declares to man what is his thought...
Amos 4:13

For the Lord God does nothing 
without revealing his secret
to His servants the prophets.
Amos 3:7

My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working. I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees the Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son does also. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does.
John 5:17, 19-20

There is a garage. Sounds of knocking, clanging, banging squeak out. Mingled in - laughter and grunts.

Inside a dad is creating something, some thing created, perfected. Saw dust rises. Tools clang. Nails scatter. 

A closer view reveals he is not alone. A son. By his side. Tools in hand. Goggles on. Watching closely, studying the movements of Dad. He watches patiently and Dad points to a loose nail. Knock. Knock. Dad hands him sandpaper. Scratch. Scratch. 

To the son, the end result not fully known. But he trusts that Dad knows. So he watches. He copies. He obeys, to fulfill his parts, simple and small as they may seem.

To the dad, fully aware of the creation. Fully aware of the steps, sequence. Fully aware he can do it himself. But so glad to involve the son he loves.

This can be us. This is what our dear Father wants for us, for me. Stay close. Watch even closer, with hands open and heart ready for the next opportunity to be involved in Dad's great work. For the Lord reveals His thoughts to man. What will we do with those precious revelations? What will I do?