Yesterday, a friend sent a text with birthday wishes. She said she hoped this next year would be just as good as the last. I promptly replied, "I hope this next year is waaaay better than this last one." Man! I had not been all reflective until then, but this year was tough.
One year ago, on my 26th birthday, I was heartbroken. I left my dinner hurt, feeling completely misunderstood and uncared for. I was so fearful to let go of something that was doing me no good. So, I prayed for rain and prepared my field for two more months, only to find that God would never cause something toxic to flourish in my life.
And that was it. The end of a 2 year relationship on the shallow end. But when I waded out a bit further, I could see it was the end of my life as I knew it. So much would be completely altered from that point - hopes, desires, plans, routines, habits, friendships, residence, employment.
This year was nothing like I pictured it would be. It was full of tears. When I think of those tears... It was full of loneliness.
Yet full of rebuilding and remaking.
Full of redeeming.
Through the changes, God met me. He reminded me what relationship I was still in. He reminded me who I still belonged to. He reminded me what name I should call on when I felt like no one was there. He used His Word - through songs, books, people, scripture.
As I was flying to Oklahoma for a training, avoiding the mounds of pre-work for my summer job, I looked in my kindle to start a new book. There were many unread, since I am a free book hoarder. But God nudged me to begin Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. God has since used that book to comfort and correct me. Every chapter has come at just the right time - for me and others.
Isn't that what this is all about anyway? These crazy changes, this crazy life. Isn't it really all about trusting God?
Something awful happens. We have to trust.
Something beautiful happens. We have to trust.
Something scary and unexpected happens. We have to trust.
And then God uses our trusting to encourage someone else to trust.
I have had some of it all this year. Lots of scary and unexpected, but some beautiful. I left my job, my home, my friends, and my church. The last one was the hardest. I now sit in my new classroom, in a new city, trying to figure it all out. But I trust God.
When I went to Chicago this summer, God gave me this verse - Isaiah 41:10.
Fear not, for I am with you.
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you. I will help you.
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
It stayed scrawled across my bathroom mirror in my new apartment for months. Because the truth is I was afraid. I still am sometimes. I don't know what is going to happen this year. Or today. Part of me is afraid to plan or hope. But then I remember God is with me. God will strengthen me. And I breathe.
I don't know what 27 will hold. It could actually be worse than 26, but I sure hope not. But even if it holds more heartache, more loneliness and more change, I know God will also send the grace, the comfort and the security that is found only in Him. And that will be enough.
