No Control

This is a note I posted on Facebook February 22, 2010.


To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us...
- Mercy Me


This past Friday, God taught or should I say re-taught a lesson to me. It was a regular Friday morning. I was greeting my kids, finishing some last minute details, and eating an apple when my new student came in. He had not been there for the past 3 days.


Now, this student has recently moved to the U.S. from another country and speaks no English. I can tell he is scared. He has no idea what we are talking about and what school is like here. Prior to this day, he had been to school about 2 full days over the course of a week and a half. And of course, he is still not used to it.


So this morning, as his uncle tries to leave, he runs out the room after him. The uncle brings him back in and I assure the uncle that the boy has to stay. He will never get acclimated if they keep letting him leave or stay home. So as the uncle leaves, I close the door and block it.


At this point, the student begins to completely break down, trying to push me, hit me, bite me all while he is crying and screaming. Two teachers nearby come to my aid. One tries to hold him with me while the other takes the rest of my students out of the classroom. As I am calling the office, the student, getting my class out, etc., the student manages to bite the other teacher that was holding him. We get him back in my now empty room and he proceeds to kick chairs and knock things over. He even goes as far as running out the back door outside. I and another teacher run after him and pick him up. In the process, he pinches her lip, causing it to be red for hours. We get him back to her room to calm him down as she rocks him like a baby.


As I go back to get the shoes he has kicked off somewhere, I look around my room, which now looks as if a tornado has passed through. I feel utterly helpless. I couldn't even find one shoe for a minute. I wanted to cry, but I felt like I couldn't then or maybe shouldn't.


After he was calmed down, I brought him back in the room and got the rest of my class. And fighting back tears, explained to my class that he was still scared so we had to be quiet as we learned.


That night, a devotional led me to read Exodus 13:20-22. "And they moved on from Succoth and encamped at Etham, on the edge of the wilderness. And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night did not depart from before the people." italics Chapter 16 then starts the Israelites' complaining, which the Lord answered by providing bread from Heaven.


As I read this, it struck me how ever-present God is. Just that morning I had felt about as helpless as I ever have, knowing I needed to act but not sure what to do. And God was there. Not only was He there, but he was controlling everything, from the support He put around me to my children obeying quickly and completely. God is holding me, just like he is holding my terrified new student. What I am realizing now is that it's so much better not to be in control. It doesn't have to be scary when you have a mighty God to trust.


Interestingly enough, the next day, my grandfather passed away. Despite the fact that I expected it, I gain even more peace knowing that God is in control, knowing that God is going before me by day and by night. And no matter how unfaithful I may be or how much I may grumble, He does not leave. Even more, he continues to provide.


The pastor preached this Sunday about God's eagerness to accept and love on us, despite how we turn our backs on Him. He loves repentance and surrender and reacts to it with compassion (Luke 15:11-32). But even without our "right" actions, He still loves and provides (Exodus 16:1-5). I am extremely encouraged and convicted by His compassion for me and excited about my complete lack of control.