Today, God used His Word to speak to me. To comfort me.
I recently made a decision, one of the most difficult of my life in fact. I believed and believe that God led me to that decision, to sacrifice, to lay my life down.
We all have desires, dreams, hopes. To follow Christ is to give all of that to Him. If He says let the dead bury the dead and follow me or go sell all your possessions and follow me, that is exactly what he means. It is easy to rationalize these statements or assume God's plan is actually just our plans spoken in thunder and written with lightning (dream with me a bit). But the truth is... well, the truth. And it doesn't need any altering.
Back to the topic at hand. God basically told me to put my money where my mouth is. I say I'm a Christian. I say I love Him with my all. So He asked me to give up the most important thing in my life, and all the dreams tied to it. You see, I loved it too much. I was anxious and obsessive over it. I looked to it to give me joy, peace, validation. As you read this, I hope it is evident to you that it had become an idol. The good, made great, made ultimate - must ultimately come down.
I wanted to be obedient. And it hurt. Still hurts. And will hurt for some time I imagine. But something about sharing in His suffering leads to sharing in His glorious victory. Yeah, I want that. Mostly, I want God. I want all of Him, not just the little bit I had resigned my life to. I want my peace, my joy, my contentment to be based solely on Christ and His presence in my life. I want His presence always.
I have been listening to worship music, praying, reading scripture, talking to wise Christian friends. That's the recipe, you see. But still pain. Still hurt. Still tears upon tears. After tears.
Yet, I wait.
More than watchmen for the morning.
More than watchmen for the morning.
And I hope.
I was feeling myself being tugged toward despair. I opened the Bible app, and this verse greeted me: I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
And I wait. Expectantly. For I know Who holds the future. I know Who has steadfast love and mercies that are new every morning - which is good, because I am going to need some fresh mercy when I wake up.
I hurt. And I am keenly aware of the tug of war going on inside of me. Sadness creeps in, tries to drag me away from hope. I hold up my Shield and slice with the Sword. Battle won. Small victories, but the war is still churning on. This Fallen World war. Fought between the Already and Not Yet. And it rages on, but I won't give up. Especially with a merciful God supplying me with fresh ammunition, just when I'm running low.
